We had two days of blue skies in my little patch of Northern California. The giddiness was palpable. Even the birds around the feeder on our porch seemed happier. But when the news broke at 5:00 PM on Friday, September 18th all that was over. We were found out. Whatever parallel universe we had encroached upon for the previous forty-eight hours had discovered our tenuous joy and decided to boot us right back to the other, uglier parallel universe from whence we came.
A quiet Rosh Hashanah dinner for two with a nice salad, grilled salmon and a little wine (in the nice glasses!) turned into leftovers seasoned with our sorrow and a little too much wine.
I scrolled through social media to read the reactions of my friends and found a reply to my simple post of ‘No.’ My friend, like all of us, was seeking comfort – a nice quote to quiet our panic, simple words of wisdom from anyone to use as a balm on our heart. But I had nothing.
I still have nothing. When I woke this morning, for a quick little moment I didn’t remember. But then, as I boiled the kettle and put three scoops of French Roast in the cafetière, the dark morning settled on me. It may be a feeble attempt to find a spark of strength but I take comfort in knowing I’m not alone.
At the risk of tempting fate – what next? As I write at 6:00 AM on Saturday, September 19th there are one hundred and four days left to this horrid year. This is the year that began with my mother passing. When she died there was a part of me that thought the one hard knock of the year had happened and it was clear(ish) sailing for the remaining eleven months.
But the hits keep coming and now I’m at my desk, with MSNBC’s Velshi breaking my heart with scenes of people, candles lit and singing Imagine in front of the Supreme Court.
We are remarkable. My tribe – a tribe that values integrity, that puts people and our planet over politics and knows that we are a heartbeat away from losing it all – is remarkable. We have been through so much these past four years. And now we’ve lost the most amazing woman. On Rosh Hashanah no less.
What should we do with the loss we feel?
It’s time to push back with something more. Reposting messages of indignant outrage on social medial might help me feel better but these are facile gesture. I know the rule of law does not serve all citizens equally. I recognize lies when I hear them and I know our government is using one untruth after another to gaslight every single one of us.
What are we going to do?